Critical Questions: Judah Friedlander

Well-known to contemporary comedy fans, actor and stand-up performer Judah Friedlander is most widely recognized for his regular role on TV's 30 Rock. Unbeknownst to some, the bespectacled Renaissance man is also a fierce fighter, and has recently added author to his resume with his instructional book How to Beat Up Anybody. The mighty warrior agreed to answer Critical Mob's questions, and it was an honor to feel threatened by him.

CM: You seem like a nice guy. How did you learn such deadly street fighting skills?

JF: I learned karate when I was 13. I was in federal prison in China for a crime I didn't commit. I learned from the inmates. They were all Chinese and adults. I mastered their technique. Then beat them all up and left prison.

If you could beat up one person, who would it be and why?

You - for asking an inappropriate question. I use my powers for justice. Not douchebaggery.

Is it possible that anybody could beat you up without first reading your book?

Scientifically & unscientifically proven to be impossible. But if you read my book you will be able to beat up anybody...except me.

What is the main characteristic that separates you from Frank Rossitano?

Frank Rossitano is a Judah Friedlander wannabe. He wears hats like me - except they're not as incredible. He wishes he was as great at karate as me. I also hook up with more chicks before lunch than he does in a lifetime in his dreams.

Is Tracy Morgan really that cool?

Even cooler. I've known Tracy for 15 years. I taught him how to be cool. He took my class, "How to make Tracy Morgan Become Cool" in 1995.

What was most stressful about the live taping of 30 Rock?

Figuring out who was the real Liz Lemon - Tina Fey or Julia Louis-Dreyfus. I'm still confused.

If you could go back in time and appear on any sitcom, what would it be?

Family Ties. I would beat up Nick and hook up with Mallory. Then, I would go on Law & Order and solve all the crimes in the history of the series and all its spinoffs - so that the entire series run and all its spinoffs would only last one 30-minute episode. It would be Orderly Law - the sitcom. A one-episode run with a LOUD laugh track.

Who is the most intimidating actor that you've ever worked with?

Jack McBrayer. He's a beast.

Who makes you laugh?

Knee Slapper. He's a prop comic from the future. Every joke is a knee slapper. By law, everyone in the audience has to wear knee-pads so they don't dislocate their own knee-caps while watching his show.

Already World Champion, what's your next challenge in life?

I've never had a challenge. I'm still looking for one. In the meantime, I'm giving back to society. That's why I wrote my book, How to Beat Up Anybody. It teaches the citizens of the world karate, levitation, how to beat up Bigfoot, and how to defend against ninja home invasions. And there's a special chapter for women only. Male criminals cannot use the techniques taught in that chapter against females, because it's written in a language that only women can understand.